I Am But Half a Soul (I Am Stil Whole)
by canadianreaders
Summary: There was something quite beautiful about soulmates, the idea that there was someone out there, just perfect for you. Someone that would complete you, that would make you whole. Would make you feel like the world was okay. Lily hated soulmates. A jily soulmate au where you don't get a soulmark, but rather if your soulmate gets a tattoo, it shows up on your skin as well.


There was something quite beautiful about soulmates, the idea that there was someone out there, just perfect for you. Someone that would complete you, that would make you whole. Would make you feel like the world was okay.

Lily hated soulmates.

Well, more specifically, she hated her particular soulmate at this particular moment in time. A deer. That is what she had woken up to find this morning. A _giant_ stag. Lily liked deer - well she wouldn't necessarily say _liked_ , but she didn't mind them - but this tattoo took up the majority of her back. From her shoulder blades down to her waist. Yes, it was beautiful, all smooth black lines and tiny details, but really, it couldn't have been smaller?

Mary and Marlene only laughed when she showed them.

"Maybe it means something?" Mary giggled out, her fingers grazing over her own soulmate's tattoo that had shown up only a few days before - a small arrow on the side of her arm, right near her wrist. At least her soulmate had some decency.

"What could it possibly mean?" Lily exclaimed, pulling her sweater back on. "That my soulmate, who ever they are, is an arse who didn't think that someone else who is weirdly connected to them maybe wouldn't want a giant stag on their back?"

"Maybe it means they're staggeringly in love with you," Marlene offered. Lily threw a pillow at her.

"Fuck soulmates," Lily said, flopping down beside Mary. "I'm already whole."

Mary sighed, fingering Lily's rusty red hair where it intertwined with her dark strands. Lily knew that Mary had always loved soulmates, that she believed in hers, despite not knowing them. She was a hopeless romantic at her core. But she wouldn't bring that up now. "Yeah, you are."

Lily tried to ignore the empty feeling in her stomach, the feeling that something was missing. No one got to be her salvation. No one was going to be her saviour. She could save herself.

* * *

James didn't feel the pain. He didn't feel the sting of the needle, didn't even notice the small design on his finger until he reached up to ruffle his hair, the ink only a flash of black in front of his eyes.

Two small stars sitting next to each other on the side of his index finger. It had been a month since he got his stag tattoo, and he had wondered when his soulmate would ink themselves, adding to their mutual mural. Though it seems his soulmate is much more modest than him, taking up only about an inch of his skin.

The stars were just outlines, as if still waiting to be filled in. It all seemed kind of sad to James, and he wondered what had made his soulmate pick that, so singular and yet so common. There are a million stars in the galaxy, but these two were alone.

Sirius only shrugged when he showed him the stars, flopping onto their ragged couch.

"I'm surprised it isn't bigger," he said, putting his feet up on the coffee table. "If _I_ was your soulmate, I would have gotten something much more obnoxious as payback for that stag."

James sits next to him, punching him not-so-lightly in the shoulder. They didn't say anything for a while, the air between them cracking with unspoken words.

Sirius thought soulmates were just a bunch of shit, that it was all the universe's idea of a sick game. And James knew that. It didn't help that Sirius had woken up one morning to have all his tattoos gone, painfully removed by whoever was on the other side of his connection. It didn't help that Sirius' brother believed in his soulmate, and that Sirius had watched Regulus wear himself into the ground for this person, who, in the end, wanted nothing to do with him.

But James, James had always liked the idea. And not because of the romantic aspect, he would never expect his soulmate to fall instantly in love with him, or anything, but he liked the idea of someone out there that was in some way made for him. That he was made for someone. He liked the idea that there was a person in this world, that he didn't even know, that he could count on.

He knew that wasn't always how it worked. That people got hurt and that soulmates were dangerous. He knew that it was possible to be incredibly happy without your soulmate and to be incredibly unhappy with them, but he still liked the idea.

* * *

Lily meets Remus Lupin through Marlene. They take Roman History together, which, according to Marlene, is 'the worst fucking class in the entire Roman history of awful fucking classes,' and so they spent many hours in the library huddled around books, Marlene making sure Remus was filled in on all the bloody details, and Remus helping Mar remember dates. It was actually quite an impressive partnership.

One November night, when Lily had completely given up on her Chemistry assignment and just really wanted to drink hot chocolate and eat donuts, but was not quite at the point at which she would consume a whole box of honey crullers alone, she went to find them, stopping to get provisions on the way to the library.

"Lily!" Mar exclaimed when she saw her, a little too loud for the hushed library. "Oh you are a goddess. A red-haired, donut-carrying goddess."

Lily laughed as she sat down, placing the box of donuts and the cups of hot chocolate on the table. She pulled off her hat and gloves, shaking out her now-wet hair.

"I thought you could use a dose of sugar. And I really had to get away from my Chemistry assignment. One of these days all these atoms are going to kill me, I swear."

"Well hot chocolate is always appreciated. Even the Romans appreciated a good cup of hot chocolate, and they hated just about everything. I'm Remus by the way, Remus Lupin," Remus extended his hand across the table, and Lily reached forward to shake it.

"Lily Evans. If Mar has mentioned any awful things about me, please forget them."

He didn't seem to hear her. His eyes caught on the stars. People rarely noticed them, but when they did, they didn't tend to just stare at them, as it now seemed Remus was doing.

"Sorry," he said, shaking his head, smiling bashfully. He shook her hand. "I like the stars."

"Thanks," she replied, grabbing one of the hot chocolates. "So, what are the Romans up to today?"

"Oh really, who knows," Marlene replied, taking a bite of her cruller. "Killing someone, taking over somewhere, it's always the same."

"Oh come on," Remus said, leaning back in his chair. "You love it."

"Yeah, but I would love it more if Haden wasn't the absolute worst professor ever."

"That I agree with. You'd think he was talking about taxes or something, the way he drones on. It's all in the same monotone voice, it's a miracle every week that I manage to stay awake through the whole lecture," Remus leans forward again, the legs of his chair clunking to the ground. His eyes shifted to Lily as he spoke, leaning his elbows on the table. "My mate James was actually in the class for like one day but he just couldn't take it. Said he needed something with more stimulation. S'now he's taking creative writing. Not sure how that's more stimulation, but he seems to like it."

Lily laughed, barely even noticing the way her stomach seemed to spark when Remus mentioned his friend, the way something inside her just seemed to _pull._

They talked for another fifteen minutes, until the whole box of donuts was gone and their hands were all coated in sugar. Lily liked Remus, he was witty and fun, and he seemed like a _good_ person, through and through.

"Well, I should let you get back to the Romans," she said, pulling on her hat and gloves once again. "Mar, text me when you're coming home, I'll unlock the door for you since I know for a fact that you forgot your key as you always do. I'll see you around, Remus."

"Bye Lily!" Marlene called to her as she walked away.

"Thanks for the sugar boost!" Remus added.

Lily smiled, shaking her head. She felt light for some reason, like something was right for once. The hole is her stomach seemed to shrink a little, and for a short second, Lily let herself think about her soulmate, let herself wonder if maybe they were thinking about her too.

* * *

His mum died a month after the stars showed up.

It rained the day they put her in the ground, as if even the sky was in mourning. The ceremony had been nice; at least that's what people told him, because he couldn't remember most of it. James' mind was one big black hole of _gone._

He stood in the cemetery after the ceremony, Sirius by his side, both of them just staring at the ground. He couldn't feel his fingers. He just stood there, clenching and unclenching his fists. It felt like there was black dust sliding through his bones, taking over his entire being. He could barely breathe. So this was what grief felt like.

"What do we do now?" Sirius choked out, his voice thick. James couldn't remember the last time he'd seen his best friend cry.

James shook his head. He had no idea. He didn't have parents anymore. Just like that. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen his mother smile. He couldn't remember the last time he'd told her he loved her. He had no idea whether to scream or cry or curse the universe for this cruel, cruel joke. His mother had been a living, breathing person, and now suddenly she wasn't. She had slid into the past tense. He was going to throw up.

She hadn't been there.

His soulmate. She - or he - hadn't been there. James kept expecting them to show up, that they would turn the corner and James would catch their eye and everything would be okay again. But they never showed. Not before the ceremony, during the days that James and Sirius had spent on the couch, staring at the wall, Remus and Peter trying in vain to get them to speak. Not during the funeral, and not afterwards. They weren't there. He needed them, he needed them, he needed them, and they weren't there.

James knew it was stupid and selfish to think they would show up, that they would know he was hurting and come running. But he couldn't help it. They should have known, somehow they should have known. They were supposed to be two halves of the same soul. When one half of a soul is broken, does the other half not feel it?

How could you be made for someone and not know when their world was falling apart?

For the first time in his life, James hated his soulmate.

He looked down at his numb fingers, at the empty stars that sat there. And he felt like understood them. His light too had flickered out. He too was just an outline, a used-to-be star.

* * *

Their worlds collided on a Tuesday.

There was a little coffee shop just off campus that Lily frequented, it was warm and cosy, and was never too loud, but never too quiet - the perfect din for studying - and it had this giant picture window at the front, bathing the whole place in sunlight.

On that particular Tuesday afternoon, Lily was in a Psychology freak out. She had only taken the class because she thought it would be interesting, and not too difficult, but it was kicking her in the butt.

She walked into the coffee shop and ordered her tea, and then turned to find a place to sit. She looked to corner where she usually sat, but found her table occupied by four boys. Her stomach jolted.

One of the boys was Remus, and he waved to her. She waved back and made her way over, knowing he had taken Psychology last semester and wanting to ask a question.

She couldn't figure out why her fingers were shaking, why the world seemed to be moving in slow motion. The stag on her back burned, and she winced. She really needed to sit down.

"Hi," she said when she reached their table, slightly out of breath.

"Hey Lily," Remus said, smiling at her slightly. "Lily this is Sirius," he gestured to the raven-haired boy beside him, all clean-cut edges and a devilish smirk, "Peter," he nodded to the short blonde boy across from him, "and James," his eyes slid to the boy with a mess of dark hair that was sitting across from Sirius.

Suddenly her world stopped. She could only stare at him. He had lovely hazel eyes, the gold flecks in them brought out by his tan skin. His glasses sat crooked on his nose, and she had the urge to reach out and straighten them. His lips were slightly parted, and he looked at her like she had just solved an unsolvable puzzle. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to need anyone.

"You," she breathed, the word barely even a sound. She could hear Sirius saying something beside her, but she had no idea what it was. "You."

* * *

"Where have you been?" The words ached from his lips. The girl - Lily - looked confused, but he didn't know what else to say. Her dark red hair was tied up in a ponytail on top of her head, as if she had somehow managed to wrangle fire. Her eyes shone like emeralds against her porcelain skin. She was beautiful - the most beautiful person he'd ever seen.

So this was his soulmate. Even before he noticed the stars on her finger, he knew. He felt like he was teetering on stilts, like just one blow would crumble him to ashes.

She was his soulmate.

* * *

She didn't know what to say to him. _Where have you been?_ She didn't know what he meant, and yet, somehow she felt herself asking the same question. She forgot all about the tea in her hands, about her Psychology final, about the three boys staring at them like they both had two heads.

"Can we talk?" She asked him, her voice only a whisper. Her mind felt cloudy, like it was coated in dust. She shook her head, trying to clear it.

He looked at his friends and they nodded at him, and so he grabbed his things and stood up, leading her to the door.

"Where to?" he asked.

"There's a park not far from here."

He nodded and they began walking. Neither of them said anything. Lily didn't know what to do, what to say. Her stomach was in knots. It felt like that hole had finally been filled, like someone had filled it with soil and planted flowers. A hope of something beautiful to come.

"So," he said, running a hand through his hair.

"So," she replied, fiddling with her necklace. It was a small pendent in the shape of a star, the last birthday gift her sister had ever given her when she turned sixteen.

"Where have you been?" There it was, that question again. She still didn't have an answer. James sighed. "I'm sorry, I know that makes no sense, it's just," he stopped, turning to face her, "it's just I could've used your help. Recently. You see, my mum died a few weeks ago, and I just... I couldn't stop thinking about you, about where you were. I-"

* * *

He stopped himself. _I needed you._ That wasn't fair. Wasn't fair to her, or to him. Yes, he'd felt it, but he couldn't put that weight on her, she didn't deserve it. He didn't know why he was telling her all this, she was practically a stranger, and yet she wasn't. He felt like he knew her, like he had always known her.

"I'm sorry," she said, seeming to understand.

"You don't have to be sorry," he replied. They had reached the park. He walked towards a bench, sitting down. "You had no idea."

* * *

"I'm still sorry," she thought about that time in tenth grade, when she'd had that falling out with Severus Snape. She remembered crying that night in her room, and she couldn't stop thinking about her soulmate. About how she wished they were they there. Some part of her thought they should have been. She paused, and then, "I wish I had been there."

He nodded. There was a silence then, not uncomfortable, but pensive, as if they were both trying to figure out what to do next.

"So, how do you know Remus?" he asked. She laughed, explaining the night of the donuts and the 'worst fucking class in the entire Roman history of awful fucking classes.'

They talked for the better part of an hour, talking about nothing and everything. Lily told him about Mary and Marlene, about her parents and her sister, about her dog back home who had once destroyed all of her shoes.James told her about Sirius, his brother in every respect but blood, about his parents, about how him, Sirius, Remus and Peter had grown up together, about their High School graduation when the four of them had covered the entire audience in silly string and streamers.

They didn't talk about them. About the fact that they were soulmates. It was easier that way, at least for now. They parted as friends.

When Lily told Mary and Marlene that she had met her soulmate, Mary immediately asked her what it was like, to know who you were made for. Lily told her the truth, that she didn't feel that different.

Even when she was a kid, Lily had never been completely on board with the whole soulmate thing. She didn't need anyone to complete her, and she never felt like she was less because she didn't know her soulmate. And that hadn't changed. Meeting James hadn't somehow made her think he was the answer to everything; it didn't make her feel like she had found her missing half. She was still whole, she always had been, only now, she had a partner.

* * *

Suddenly, they are friends. James calls Lily when he's stuck in traffic, and she crashes on his couch after long days. She brings him coffee when he's cramming for finals and he picks up her favourite chips from the store whenever he goes shopping. They are friends.

It doesn't matter that his heart flutters when she enters the room, that his words seem to get caught on his tongue when someone mentions her name. They're friends, and that's good enough for him.

It is about two weeks after that fateful Tuesday, and they are in Lily's apartment, watching reruns of Survivor. Both Mary and Marlene have finished all their finals, so they've headed home for the holidays. James and Lily both had one left, but they could afford to take one night off.

"Hey Lils," James said, turning to face her. "What do the stars mean?"

It was the first that either of them had brought up their connection. It had been something they had both elected to dance around, unsure of what to do.

Lily bristled, reaching for her necklace.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I've just always wondered."

"No," she said, pausing the TV, "I don't mind. I just don't talk about it a lot, that's all," she tugged her legs up, curling her toes under her and wrapping her arms around her knees. "When I was little, my sister and I were always fascinated by the stars. We would lie outside on the grass every night, just to stare at them. Petunia used to point up at the two brightest stars she could find and say, 'look, that's us up there, shining side by side.'

"Eventually we stopped looking at the stars. Petunia started to resent me, and I still don't really know why, we just grew apart, I guess," she sighed, and James grabbed her hand, squeezing it once. "But I'd still think about the stars."

He squeezed her hand again, leaning ever so slightly closer to her.

"What does the stag mean?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Oh, absolutely nothing," he said, shrugging. "I've just always liked stags. I thought it would look cool."

She slaps his arm, laughing as he un-pauses the TV.

"That is the worst reasoning for a tattoo I've ever heard. Did you not think about me?" There was laughter coating her words, and he can't help but smile. How he could have ever thought he hated her, he's not sure. "About how I would feel with a gigantic deer taking up my entire back?"

"I assumed it would at least make a good story," he said, but he was laughing along with her. The air between them seemed like it was on fire, like somehow the thread connecting them just kept pulling tighter and tighter. Her laughter fills the whole apartment, and he looks over at her. She is still the most beautiful person he has ever seen. He does not know what else to do.

She was still laughing when he kissed her. He swallowed that sound and it coated his throat in joy. The kiss was soft and sweet, singing in his bones, dripping down his veins. He could feel himself slipping, slipping, slipping into her laughter, into her eyes, into her, and he did not care.

* * *

When he kissed her, the flowers in her stomach bloomed. She smiled against his lips, laughter still sitting on her tongue. She leaned her forehead against his, his grin matching hers.

"Hi," she said, her words floating in the minimal space between them.

"Hi," he replied, his hand twisting through strands of her hair.

They didn't say anything else. They didn't need to. They stayed like that for a long time, their breath mingling between them. Lily felt truly happy for the first time in a long time. She squeezed his hand where it rested in hers, and he squeezed back.

He wasn't trying to complete her, or to save her, or to fix her, or anything else. He knew she was already whole. He just wanted to be there, to hold her hand in dark movie theatres and kiss her forehead late at night. He just wanted to walk beside her, to be her partner. And she wanted to be his.

They were made for each other. It was as simple and as complicated as that.


End file.
